


Love Be My Villain, We're One and the Same

by Destinyiel



Category: Shadowhunters, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Emotional Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post 3x17/3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 20:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18431861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destinyiel/pseuds/Destinyiel
Summary: Alec was painfully made aware of the fact, that his boyfriend may never get over the loss of his powers. In desperation, he goes to see the only person who can help him, Magnus' father, Asmodeus. But, fatherly love is overrated in the world of demons, and Alec must choose to either accept Asmodeus' deal, or to watch the love of his life fade away in front of his eyes.





	Love Be My Villain, We're One and the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovelies! It took me three days, but finally it's here - the fruit of my pain caused by 3x17 and the promo for 3x18. I hope we're all on the same page here and we really hate Asmodeus right now. 
> 
> I dedicate this one-shot to Bru, because she's been so incredibly supportive during the whole process of me writing it, and I just love her very much it's incredible. Thank you for being here, Bru. Cheers to your cute dog, too. ♥ 
> 
> So, I hope you enjoy this fic, if you'd like to leave a comment below I'd be over the moon - I love interacting with you guys. You can also find me on Twitter @alecsbvne. Thank you for reading this fic and all your support that is really overwhelming and I love you all so much.
> 
> PS. I hope you'll like my OC - Nikolai (;

Alec woke up and immediately became aware of Magnus’ firm body pressed tightly against his, just like he did every morning, ever since Magnus moved in, or even before, when Alec started staying the night at the loft more often than not.

Magnus had his arm wrapped around Alec’s stomach, his breath slow and steady, he was still asleep. Alec absent-mindedly took his boyfriend’s hand in his and started playing with his fingers, softly tracing circles on Magnus’ palm too.

Feeling the warmth that Magnus’ body provided made it easy to forget the icy cold mixture of sorrow, remorse, and fear, mostly fear, following last night’s fiasco of a proposal. Well, if you could even call it a proposal, since Alec didn’t even get to ask the big question.

He couldn’t help but feel the slight stingy sensation of rejection, and he hated himself for it. He was being selfish, once again, and last time he allowed himself to be selfish, he almost lost Magnus. In the end, Alec didn’t blame Lorenzo, Lilith, or even Asmodeus. He truly believed it was his selfishness, that almost got the love of his life killed.

Alec stayed awake way too many nights, thinking about the fact that if he hadn’t walked into his life, Magnus would be happier now. If he hadn’t allowed himself to fall for him, things would have ended up completely different. Magnus wouldn’t have lost his powers, he wouldn’t have put his line on the line, again and again, in a war that at its core did not concern him at all.

Alec smiled to himself.

Loving Magnus has never been a choice.

It was something as easy and natural to Alec as breathing, at times he even thought it was easier than that. Especially when the oxygen got stuck somewhere in his throat and refused to travel further, like that time he thought Magnus had died before Alec could even tell him that he loved him. Or the night after Magnus broke up with him, and he sat on the cold floor of his room, all night, desperately trying to convince his lungs to fill with oxygen, no matter how fruitless his efforts were. They burned, just as much as the hot tears that just wouldn’t cease to fall, and Alec sometimes wished he wasn’t able to recall that exact feeling of exasperation and hopelessness. Right now, he was very close to living it all over again.

Way too close for comfort.

Alec lifted Magnus’ hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it, letting it linger for a little longer than usual, absorbing the closeness of Magnus’ soft skin. A part of him, a very small, but also very impatient one, wanted Magnus to stir awake at the gesture, but Alec knew his boyfriend well enough to know that it wouldn’t be that easy to wake him up the morning after he drank more than he should have, especially now that he didn’t have the tolerance of an eight-hundred-year-old warlock.

Alec remembered the conversation he had with Underhill, about how worried he was that him and Magnus were too different to be together. And now, when Magnus was actually mortal, Alec felt the distance between them had grown to be even bigger than when they thought Alec was going somewhere Magnus couldn’t follow, and vice versa. Alec couldn’t help but feel like the biggest fool in the universe. He spent so much time wishing they could be equals, that he forgot that while to him, Magnus was his whole life, he was only a very small fraction of it to Magnus. And he couldn’t force him to give up the essence of his entire being just for someone, who is only ever going to be one thing - temporary.

One intrusive thought has lingered in the back of Alec’s head - that he was not worth all the pain Magnus has been through. He wasn’t cruel, he knew Magnus loved him, and he loved him back, so much, more than anyone in the world, but he couldn’t ignore the facts any longer. Magnus confirmed something last night, something that was Alec’s worst nightmare - he wasn’t happy. And that was something Alec couldn’t handle.

He untangled himself from Magnus’ embrace and placed his hand gently on the pillow, Magnus instinctively stirring in his sleep and clutching it. Alec sat up, carefully, and opened the bedside drawer, to grab the bottle of aspirin he bought for Magnus when he got really drunk for the first time as a mundane. He opened it up to check if there were any pills left, and he noticed there were still three of them at the bottom, so he stood up and placed it on Magnus’ bedside table on the other side of the bed. Having noticed there was still some water in the bottle next to the armchair by the window, he grabbed a glass from the coffee table and poured some water in it, placing it next to the pills, for when Magnus inevitably wakes up with a killer headache.

Alec always hated leaving Magnus in the morning, but something has changed in him lately. He never perceived himself than any sort of great support system for Magnus, after all, he wasn’t that delusional, but yesterday’s incident has rendered him truly useless, and he could not pretend anymore that everything will go back to normal, eventually. If it was ever going to go back to any kind of “normal”, Alec had to do something about it. He wasn’t going to let Magnus suffer any longer, so he vowed to himself that he will make things right at all costs. Even if it kills him.

Alec grabbed a pen and tore a piece of papaer out of the notepad he kept in his drawer. His hand lingered above the paper for a while, as he didn’t know exactly what to write. After a moment, he scribbled something quickly and placed the note right next to the pills and the glass of water.

_“Had some errands to run, I’ll be back in the evening. Love you.”_

He put his clothes on, grabbed his phone and his stele and left the room, throwing one last, lingering look in the direction of his sleeping boyfriend.

The Institute was still rather quiet, as Alec supposed everyone was at the cafeteria having breakfast, which was even more convenient for him, cause he could slip into his office unnoticed. He had no energy to face the questions of his siblings about the proposal, or about anything, for that matter. He was determined to do one thing - find a solution to this horrible situation, no matter what it would mean for him, or the future of his relationship. He was done being selfish and hurting the love of his life to the point where he could barely even stand looking him in the eye.

When Alec walked into his office, he locked the door and didn’t even spare one thought on a pile of reports he received yesterday that was sitting on his desk and which he was too busy to look through. He was supposed to do it today, but he had more pressing matters to attend to.

If he had to be honest, being the Head of the Institute has truly been challenging lately, and Alec was not quite convinced if he was the right man for this job anymore. It has been his dream his whole life, he just… didn’t expect his perspective to shift so much over the course of the last couple years. He often wondered, what was the point of maintaining order and discipline in the Institute if it was the core, the Clave, that was so morbidly corrupt Alec wasn’t sure there was even coming back from that at this point. Unless people in power gave it up willingly to the younger generation, Alec’s generation, to people like Aline, like Isabelle, people who cared about everyone equally, not just the good name of fellow Shadowhunters, which to be fair has already been tarnished way too much due to the actions of the Shadowhunters themselves, no one else.

Alec was supposed to be a part of this “change”. That’s what his mother told him, that they’re gonna have to be wiser.

When Clary arrived at the Institute, Alec was mad. He was so mad that Jace would be willing to risk everything for her - the lives of his siblings, the safety of the Institute, even the city. He would do anything for her, and Alec didn’t understand that at that time. Now, he would let the entire world go to hell if that meant Magnus was safe in his arms. He would let it burn until there was nothing left to turn into ashes.

Alec sat down at his desk, pushed the paperwork out of the way and grabbed his tablet.

The Downworld database was huge. Files on vampires, seelies, werewolves… Warlocks, too. Somewhere in there was a file on Magnus, and Alec hated it. He hated the idea of all these people being reduced to a couple pages of Clave document. Again, something inherently wrong with the Clave, their obsession with keeping tabs on the Downworld.

Going through the files, Alec was not quite sure what he was looking for. He browsed what seemed to be like a hundred different warlock files, until he found one that seemed the most appropriate for the situation at hand.

Nikolai Crowe.

Expert conjurer, necromancer, multiple rule violations. Location: unknown.

Alec sighed. He was sure Nikolai was someone who could help him, but he had to find him first. Luckily, Alec has heard enough about Nikolai from Magnus. While other warlocks tended to keep to themselves, Nikolai was the absolute opposite - Magnus told Alec that if there’s ever a Downworld party anywhere, Nikolai would be there. Especially if there were vampires, since he seemed to hold a certain amount of affection for their kind.

Going to a Downworld party to meet a warlock has given Alec a chill. Somehow, his story just went full circle without him even realizing it, and the events of today were sure to either make or break everything, so he had to approach everything with caution. He tends to let his guard down among warlocks - Magnus, Catarina, Madzie… It has rendered him quite vulnerable, as he was all too ready to trust someone even without credentials, like Nikolai Crowe. But he had no choice.

He grabbed his stele and sent a fire message to Nikolai.

_Dear Mr Crowe,_

_I found myself in need of a warlock’s assistance, something in your area of expertise - off the record and zero Clave involvement. Should you be willing to meet with me, preferably as soon as possible, I am sure I can reward you adequately for your trouble. I will be waiting for your reply._

_Alexander Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute_

Alec hesitated for a second, but soon the message was consumed by fire and there was nothing left for him but wait.

He had no idea how long he would be kept waiting, if he was going to get an answer at all, but nevertheless, he has decided to spend his day at his office, hopefully uninterrupted, if only to gather his thoughts about everything that has happened. When idle, his mind couldn’t help but wander to the times when everything was so much easier. Still, not easy, but somehow simpler. When him and Magnus were just two people in love - when they didn’t have to think too much about the future. When the days were tough but Alec thought to himself he would have the strength to survive everything if only Magnus would keep holding his hand. When he could spend his nights listening to the steady rhythm of Magnus’ heart beating in his chest, like a constant reminder that despite many years’ worth of fear and unhappiness, Alec was not alone anymore.

Alec ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. For a second he felt the same emptiness in his lungs like he did so many times before, but he willed himself to breathe. Just keep breathing, no matter what. He knew he had to keep a clear head, so he closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and managed to loosen the pressure from his ribcage. The thing that always dragged him back right from the edge, was the thought of Magnus. He witnessed Alec’s panic attack once or twice over the course of their relationship, and after Alec has calmed down, Magnus admitted to him that he scared him in that state, and Alec would just nod, because he knew. He scared himself too.

After what seemed like an eternity to Alec, but in reality was around ten minutes, Alec was caught off-guard by a portal suddenly appearing in his office, and a young-looking man in a black suit gracefully stepping through it. Alec thought he had to be experienced with travelling by the means of a portal, as he remembered the first couple times he did it with Magnus, his legs felt wobbly, and he did not look graceful at all. But at least it made Magnus laugh.

The man was definitely not Nikolai, though, as Alec saw his picture in the file, and he looked completely different. Nikolai had medium-length, wavy, fair hair, almost like a mixture between gold and silver, and his face looked chiseled, with visible cheekbones and plump lips. The man who visited Alec had more boy-ish features, but he was very attractive and almost provocative in a way that he regarded Alec with his eyes narrowed and a small smirk on his lips. Alec also noticed an emblem sewn into the man’s definitely expensive suit - and at first it did not ring a bell at all, but then he remembered Magnus telling him about an elite society of vampires from Manhattan, the one that Camille used to be a part of. _Noctis._

“Mr Lightwood,” the man said with a thick French accent in lieu of a greeting and Alec nodded at him. “My name is Julien LeBeau. Mr Nikolai Crowe sent me to inform you he is willing to meet you. You see, he’s not too big on sending fire messages.”

Alec raised his eyebrows in slight amusement, but he stood up and went up to Julien to shake his hand, which was cold and firm as ice.

“Fair enough,” Alec replied. “Thank you. When and where should I meet him?”

Julien chuckled softly and gestured towards the portal. “After you. It’s designed to travel only to a specific place and back, so don’t worry about limbo.”

Alec was not too keen on the idea of jumping into a suspicious portal with a stranger, especially if it was basically a one-way ticket, but at the same time he could not afford to refuse Julien. Besides, all the things he has heard about the vampires who belonged to Noctis… All in all, they seemed like a very noble society, and Alec had no choice but to give himself up to them.

 _Noble vampires… Perhaps that’s why they kicked Camille out,_ Alec thought, and took a step towards the portal. He felt a magical pull on him, and he knew it was too late to turn back, even if he suddenly changed his mind. He gritted his teeth and let the magic consume him.

Not even three seconds later, he felt the solid ground beneath his feet again, and he realized he ended up in some sort of old-fashioned speakeasy. Everything was in a brown and black aesthetic, and it looked extremely expensive. A woman was standing on the small stage, singing a slow song in French, and Alec thought she looked straight from the twenties. He suspected he might not be too wrong in that observation. When she noticed Alec looking at her, she winked at him from behind a very elaborate white headpiece, and Alec quickly averted his eyes from her. There were people sitting at their tables, mostly vampires, but Alec spotted at least one seelie and a warlock or two. Still, Nikolai was nowhere to be seen.

As if he read Alec’s mind, Julien led Alec to a very secluded part of the speakeasy, where they found Nikolai himself, in the company of a blonde seelie, and what Alec suspected was another member of the vampire society, a man with dark red hair, in a suit similar to Julien’s, with a Noctis emblem sewn into it. The seelie was sitting on Nikolai’s lap and drinking blood from the vampire’s wrist, while he was feeding on Nikolai’s neck, which looked like he was kissing him. Nikolai’s lips were parted, and he kept his eyes closed, overall he looked like he was having a very pleasant time.

Julien not-so-subtly cleared his throat, and the warlock’s eyes fluttered open.

When Nikolai noticed Alec and Julien, he nodded at his companions, and they stood up and walked away immediately, the vampire still licking Nikolai’s blood from his lips.

Nikolai grabbed a napkin from the table and wiped his neck in the spot where the vampire was biting him, still not saying a word but looking closely at Alec, who felt a bit nauseous.

“Mr Alexander Lightwood,” Nikolai said and his voice was lower than Alec had expected, it was almost like a purr. “Thank you, Julien, you can go now. I believe Mr Lightwood and I have some business to take care of.”

He gestured for Alec to sit down and Alec obliged. He didn’t notice Nikolai’s warlock mark anywhere, so he was either hiding it, or his mark was in a spot that was not usually visible. But what he did notice was two dark green orbs staring at him in anticipation, and he figured it was his time to talk.

“Thank you so much for meeting me, Mr Crowe,” he said and Nikolai nodded with a smile. “I’m sorry to interrupt your day like that, but I need your help.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Nikolai chuckled. “Normally I don’t hold meetings with you, Nephilim folk, but when I saw it was the boyfriend of Magnus Bane himself seeking me out, I must admit, I became very curious about what you might require of me.”

Alec was surprised, not because Nikolai knew Alec was dating Magnus, but because he spoke as if they were close, and he quite explicitly remembered Magnus telling him they only exchanged a few words almost two centuries ago because of Camille. But then, maybe he did not completely understand warlock customs yet.

“Mr Crowe—”

“Please,” Nikolai interrupted Alec. “It sounds so formal. Just call me Nikolai.”

“Nikolai.” Alec corrected himself. “Maybe you’ve heard, but Magnus lost his powers recently.”

The warlock looked genuinely sad at the revelation. He leaned closer and rested his elbows on the table, his eyes wandering to the floor for a moment, then he looked back up, frowning. “So the rumors are true. How did happen, exactly?”

Alec’s lips were a thin line. He felt his anger stir up in him, as always when he thought about how this all came to be. He clenched his hands into fists underneath the table, until he could feel them aching, both from the grip and from the nails that were digging into his palms.

“He needed extra power to banish Lilith’s pawn, the Owl, from my parabatai, and Lorenzo Rey refused him.” Alec saw Nikolai roll his eyes at the mention of Lorenzo. “So he went to Edom to ask his father for help, and he did, but…”

“But it came with a price, didn’t it?”

Alec nodded.

“Demons.” Nikolai hissed through the gritted teeth. The word sounded like a curse coming from his mouth. “They think that just because we’re their children, they can treat us like filth. But… How exactly do you expect me to help you? I mean… I have no connection to Asmodeus, and even if I did, I doubt he’d listen to me, if he managed to screw over even his own son.”

Alec shook his head. “I know, I’m not asking you to talk to Asmodeus for me. I was wondering if you could… portal me to Edom, so I could speak with him myself.”

Nikolai burst out laughing. “My boy, you do have a great sense of humor, don’t you? You think I will jump in and portal Magnus Bane’s boyfriend to hell? Magic or not, he would kill me.”

“Nikolai, please.” Alec begged. He was beginning to breathe a little faster and his eyes were looking a bit wet. “I love him. And I feel him slipping through my fingers more and more every day and there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing to make him feel better. I feel so goddamn useless…”

Nikolai bit his lip and turned his head away from Alec, as if he couldn’t look him in the eye. He was visibly conflicted, but Alec didn’t know what else he could do or say to convince him to help.

“I can’t portal you to Edom…” Nikolai said, and when Alec was about to protest, he cut him off. “But… I could try Astral projection.”

Alec squinted. “Astral projection?”

“Basically, I would send your Astral body to Edom, while your physical body would remain here, on Earth.” He explained. “This way, even if Asmodeus wanted to hurt you, or keep you there against your will, he couldn’t.”

“Okay.” Alec nodded. “Let’s try. Have you ever done this before?”

Nikolai glared at him. “But of course! I’m way older than I look, you know. But… Admittedly, I’ve never sent anyone to hell before, so you must understand there are risks involved in the procedure.”

Alec thought about all possible risks connected to being astrally projected to Edom and seeing Asmodeus. If something went wrong, he could die. But he had no choice, not anymore. He refused to sit around waiting for the impossible to happen. He had to make it happen himself. And there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for Magnus.

“I’m ready. How do we do this?” Alec said, and he noticed a hint of surprise on Nikolai’s face, although it was a very faint one.

“First, we need to find a separate room, preferably with a lock on the door,” Nikolai said. “While the spell is in effect, I have to remain in proximity to your physical body, to watch over you, and pull you back. And the spell emanates enormous amounts of energy, so the demons will be very attracted to this place. If someone interrupts or attacks us…”

“I’m done for. Got it.”

Nikolai stood up. “Let’s go. There’s an empty room in the back.”

Alec followed him down the dark corridor, and at the end of it he saw two doors on the left. Nikolai opened the second one and they walked in. There was nothing in there except some old newspapers in the corner. The warlock snapped his fingers, and a second later, he was holding a pack of what looked like a very good quality, expensive red chalks. He got down on his knees and nodded at Alec, who lied down on the floor in front of him. Nikolai grabbed some chalk and started drawing three circular sigils on the floor, which reminded Alec a bit of runes, but they seemed even more ancient. After he finished drawing them, Nikolai brushed Alec’s hair away from his forehead and on it he drew another sigil. He put down the chalk and put his hands on Alec’s temple, creating a connection.

“ _Animum vult decepi, ergo decipiatur,”_ he began chanting, and Alec felt dizzy and his eyes seemed to have rolled back into his head. “ _Vis, vis, vis!”_

For a second nothing changed. Then, Alec felt excruciating pain, like someone was trying to rip his brains out with bare hands, but it only lasted a few seconds. After that, he couldn’t see or feel anything anymore, and then he felt everything at once. The smell of sulfur hit his nostrils, and he felt the sand beneath his feet, and then finally his eyes adjusted to the environment and allowed him to see everything. He heard familiar screeching, and when he looked up, he saw multiple wraith demons flying in the sky above. In front of him was what looked like a post-apocalyptic scenery - some completely destroyed buildings, the remains of the trees that he was sure were never even green in the first place, and seemingly towering above the whole realm - a huge palace. It looked like it was covered in ashes, but it did not take away its majestic demeanor. The windows looked like black holes, like if you ever dared to look through them, they would swallow you whole. The entire shape of the palace reminded Alec of a skull.

Despite it appearing really far away, Alec realized that time and distance does not work here in the same way as on Earth. Walking through the realm was the weirdest feeling he has ever experienced. Alec couldn’t stop, because if he did, even for a moment, he felt the sand try to swallow him, despite not even being there physically. He supposed astral projection did not differ that much from actually being somewhere. So instead, he kept walking, until he reached the gate of the palace, which was already opened.

Alec frowned. It looked like there was no one in the proximity. The entire palace looked abandoned, but, admittedly, Alec has never visited hell before. When he walked inside, he half-expected to be captured by Asmodeus’ minions straight away, as the second he stepped through the door, he instantly felt their presence, just as he was sure they felt his, due to him being mortal and having some angel blood inside his veins. He was an easy target for anyone, truly, as he knew demons were much stronger in their dimension than they were on Earth. He looked around and then followed a corridor on his left, which led him into a room with a throne in it, and he supposed it was the place he was supposed to end up at, but Asmodeus was still nowhere in sight.

Then, Alec felt a strong wind hit his back, and he fought hard to keep his balance in spite of it. Sand, which he had no idea where it came from, began attacking his eyes once again, this time more viciously and more purposely - and when it stopped, Alec noticed a man sitting on the throne. He had black hair, and was dressed all in black, too. His right hand was resting on a cane, and when he looked up, Alec noticed something about his eyes. They were cat eyes.

“Nephilim,” Asmodeus let the word lazily roll off his tongue, as he looked at Alec with a hint of amusement on his face. “To what do I owe this… Unexpected visit? Are you lost?”

Alec gulped. “I didn’t come here to play games with you. I’m here to get Magnus his magic and his immortality back.”

Asmodeus laughed in response. “And why would I give it to him?”

Alec wanted to punch him, more than he ever wanted to punch anyone in his life. But even if he wanted to, he probably couldn’t. He was only a projection, and even if he wasn’t, there was no way Asmodeus would let him come any closer.

“Because he’s your son. From what I hear, the only son.” Alec said through gritted teeth. It was extremely hard for him to control himself, facing someone like Asmodeus, someone who would hurt his own child out of pure pettiness. “And I know that deep down, it must mean something to you.”

“Why do you care if Magnus gets his magic back?” Asmodeus asked, and Alec frowned, but he did not say anything in response. “After all, now you’re both the same. Mortal… It’s sad, isn’t it… That he will never care about you as much as you care about him. That he will never love you more than the memory of what he used to have - magic, immortality, power… Do you think I don’t know what occupies his brain at night? It’s only a matter of time before he ends up on the ledge of another bridge.”

“Shut up.” Alec hissed, but Asmodeus only smirked at him, unfazed.

“I suppose you both deserve each other, considering your… Incident.” The demon was clearly enjoying himself way too much, taunting Alec. “We can spend all day bickering, but we both know you’re weak. Even your blood reeks of weakness. In the end, what can your runes do for Magnus? What can your bow and arrows? Some angel you are…”

Alec couldn’t help but go right back to that evening when he stood on the edge of the roof at Magnus’ loft. It was one of his darkest memories, so dark that considered asking Magnus, before he lost his powers, to take it away. Not because he was scared it was gonna happen again, but because he would rather not be reminded of his ultimate moment of weakness. He’s always had to be strong for everyone. For his parents, for his siblings, even though they had more than enough strength of their own. But that was Alec’s role - he was a leader, a protector. And now he had to be strong for Magnus.

So he looked Asmodeus in the eye, put his most believable smile on, and prayed that his voice doesn’t shake when he speaks again.

“You’re right,” Alec said, and his voice was as cold as ice. “ I’m weak. A weak mortal. But I love Magnus, and at least I fight for him, unlike you. Some _father_ you are.”

Immediately after he said that, Alec felt a powerful force knock him ten feet away, and he barely managed to stay on his feet without falling over. Asmodeus stood up, dark expression etched on his face, and Alec thought that if looks could kill, he would drop dead right there, right then, despite the fact that he wasn’t even physically there.

He expected Asmodeus to yell at him, or try to attack him, but instead, his expression changed and once again a sly smile was dancing on his lips, however, this time it gave Alec chills. When you insult a Prince of Hell, you expect him to lash out, to threaten you, to send his army of demons to rip you to shreds. But not to smile. If he smiles, it means he found a far more creative way to hurt you.

Asmodeus opened his mouth to speak, and Alec braced himself for the impact of the demon’s next words, but nothing could ever prepare him for something like this.

“I will give my son his magic back,” He said with a smile. “His immortality, too. But…”

Alec frowned. There was always a “but”.

“On one condition.” Asmodeus continued. “End your relationship. Break his heart, to save his life.”

Alec felt like the weight of the entire world has fallen onto his chest and was now suffocating him. He would have expected everything - even for Asmodeus to ask for his life in return. But he was right. This was a much more creative way of stabbing Alec right through the heart, without having his physical body anywhere in sight.

“Asmodeus, I’m begging you.” Alec choked up and his voice broke, along with his heart. “There must be something else I can give you. Anything. Anything but that, please.”

“It’s the only thing I want,” Asmodeus replied, and sat back on his throne, fidgeting with his cane and watching Alec’s reaction in amusement. “So either we have a deal and your boyfriend, or rather… ex-boyfriend, gets his powers back, or you can go back… And watch him die a little day by day, until he hates you, because you could have helped him, but you were too selfish, and too weak, to do so.”

To this point in life, Alec believed he has experienced the worst type of pain already. After all, he watched Magnus die in his arms not so long ago. But right now, facing the most horrible choice of his entire life, he couldn’t help but feel empty, and deflated. Because in the end, the hardest part was the fact that it was not a choice at all. Magnus’ father would never settle for less than what he had asked for. He would never give Magnus his powers back out of the goodness of his heart, just like that, without a price. Even if Alec was to kill Asmodeus, it would be useless. It wouldn’t help Magnus in any way.

During the time he spent with Magnus, Alec has begun to see multiple possible paths in front of him. Every now and then another one, smaller or bigger, would simply appear and it was fresh and exciting and Alec couldn’t wait to finally pick the one him and Magnus would tread, together, side by side, for as long as they could. But now, he could no longer see them. Instead, there was only one path. It was dark, and cold, and rocky, and lonely. There was no more holding hands, no more shared looks, or smiles, or the softest of embraces after a rough day. Alec felt a sudden urge to rip his heart out with his bare hands and crush it beneath his feet, because maybe, just maybe it would hurt him less than being forcefully ripped apart from the one he loved, and the one he would love until the day he dies.

Nephilim only love once, a friend once said to him. They love once, but they love fiercely. And perhaps it was Alec’s time to be consumed by the fire. To have his entire soul eaten alive by flames, for just the shell to remain.

Alec had one path in front of him. He just needed to take a step and follow it.

“Consider it done.” He whispered, because he didn’t trust his voice not to completely betray him, as he felt like he was being choked from both the outside and the inside. He couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t control his tears any longer, and they started falling heavily from his eyes. Alec looked down at the ground, defeated. “We have a deal.”

Asmodeus looked surprised, and slightly amused, but Alec suspected that was just his general disposition. Alec cleared his throat and forced himself to find enough oxygen in his lungs to speak again.

“If you don’t… Follow through with your end of the deal… I swear to the Angel… I will come here, and I will kill you.” Alec managed to look Asmodeus straight in eye, to make sure he knows Alec doesn’t make empty promises, and if he fails to give Magnus his powers back, he will come to regret it.

Alec did not hear Asmodeus’ reply, he couldn’t even be sure he did say anything, because he suddenly felt extremely dizzy and everything was a blur. The ringing in his ear was getting louder and louder, and for a second he was convinced that he somehow managed to start drowning while being out in the desert. Then, he felt the floor underneath his back, and he did not remember falling down, which could only mean one thing.

“Alec? Alec, wake up!”

Alec heard urgency in Nikolai’s voice, and his eyes fluttered open, and he sat up way too quickly, which made his head spin, and he had to be extremely careful not to fall on his back again.

“What happened?” He asked, and rubbed the chalk off his forehead with his right hand.

Nikolai let out a sigh of relief, but Alec saw the strain he put on himself to keep him projecting for as long as possible, and still be able to pull him back. Nikolai may have been old, but his powers, too, had their limit.

“I thought you were gone.” Nikolai was breathing heavily. “Your heart stopped, for good ten seconds, and I had to pull you back. I’m sorry.”

Alec instinctively put his hand on the left side of his chest, looking for the beat of his heart, and when he finally felt it, he was not entirely sure he was as relieved as he should have been. He stood up himself first, then he helped Nikolai up, and he noticed the warlock looked worried.

“I apologize…” Nikolai said. “To keep you grounded, I was forced to… In a way… Tap into your mind with my powers.”

“Oh?” Alec was confused. Nikolai said it like he was afraid. Like it was something that would make Alec angry. But Alec owed him his life.

“I heard everything that went down there.” Nikolai admitted, much to Alec’s surprise. “I had no choice, there was no off button anywhere in sight.”

Alec chuckled lightly, despite feeling absolutely dead inside after the confrontation with Asmodeus. “It’s fine. Really. I owe you so much, Nikolai. Please, let me know how I can repay you.”

Nikolai looked at him, and his eyes were full of sympathy. Alec was not sure he particularly liked it, but it seemed like he had no choice in the matter. No matter what, he had two debts to pay off. He just hoped Nikolai’s price was not as big as Asmodeus’, because Alec had nothing bigger than that to offer him.

Nikolai’s lips curved into a small smile. “Let’s just say, when I eventually end up in trouble with the Clave again, I’ll need someone influential to bail me out. So let’s leave it at one favor, okay?”

Alec nodded in response. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

“I’m not sure that is such a good thing.” Nikolai spoke, and avoided looking Alec in the eye. Now that Alec knew Nikolai heard every word of his conversation with Asmodeus, he recognized the emotion in warlock’s eyes almost immediately. It was pity. “You won’t fix him, you know? He’s already broken, but this will break him even more.”

Alec was caught off guard by the sudden outburst of honesty coming from Nikolai. After all, they were just two strangers, but Nikolai acted like he knew everything about everyone, and for a second it made Alec feel extremely annoyed, to the point that he had to stop himself from snapping at the warlock.

“Magnus isn’t broken,” Alec muttered through clenched teeth. “He never was, and he doesn’t need to be fixed. I just want to get back something that belongs to him. Asmodeus had no right to take that away.”

“Maybe.” Nikolai replied, nodding. “But if you do this, there might not be going back. Ever. Magnus has been hurt way too many times as it was.”

“I thought you didn’t know each other well.”

Nikolai was visibly frustrated, and it confused Alec more and more each second. Perhaps it was just the warlock’s personality, or maybe it was the fact that Alec has just literally been through hell and back, but all he wanted was to leave this room and never come back here again.

“We don’t. Well, he doesn’t. But I know a lot about him and many others. I guess you could call it a gift of mine.” Nikolai said and Alec noticed he raised his right eyebrow at the mention of “gift”. Maybe not all warlocks were as comfortable in their own skin as Alec had initially thought. “All I know is… When I look at you, I see guilt. I see pain. And I see blood. I wouldn’t call that a favorable premonition. Maybe you should consider the fact that it might not be worth it.”

“We’re talking about Magnus here.” Alec raised his voice slightly and Nikolai closed his eyes and clenched his fists. “And to me, he is worth everything.”

Nikolai regarded Alec closely for a few seconds, and Alec wasn’t sure if it was some sort of trick to read his mind, or if the warlock was just a strange person to be around, giving out this weird energy of someone who was maybe a bit too smart for his own good. Or too perceptive. Or maybe both. “I pity you, Alexander Lightwood. Bitter is the blood of a wounded lover. But I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Now… If you’re ready, I can portal you back.”

Alec nodded and reached out to shake Nikolai’s hand. “Thank you again, Nikolai. Call on me when you need anything. I promise I’ll do what I can to help.”

Nikolai sent him a warm smile and with one little movement of his hand, Alec was right back at his office in the Institute.

He sat in his chair, hopeless, cold, and alone, trying to process everything that happened. A not-so-small part of him was screaming at him from the inside. _You can’t do this. You can’t do this. You can’t do this!_ On the other side of his internal conflict was his voice of reason, that said the only thing that made sense in this situation.

_You can’t NOT do this._

Once, Magnus said to him, that if he has him, and he has his magic, it was enough. Now, Alec knew that if magic disappeared from that equation, it was nowhere near enough for Magnus to be happy. But, he was hoping that if the situation was reversed, Magnus would be okay. He had to be. He had so much more to live for, so many new, incredible memories to make in the years to come. Alec hoped, that in a couple years Magnus will realize that losing Alec was only a small price to pay compared to what he got in return - his soul back.

Alec pressed his hand to his mouth not to start screaming. He was angry, so, so angry, mostly at himself, for believing for a second that he deserved any kind of happy ending. He willed himself not to cry, but once the first tear broke free, the rest followed down and cascaded down his cheeks like rain on a dusty pane.

He had no idea how much time he spent in his office, but he knew that by the time he realized it’s better if he goes to see Magnus right away, he felt empty and so did his eyes which no longer produced any more tears. He looked in a mirror and saw a miserable creature - red cheeks, dry lips, puffy eyelids. But what caught his attention the most was the emptiness manifesting itself through his eyes, it was as if someone sucked in his entire soul, until there was nothing more to take but an empty shell of a man who once dared to dream.

Alec took the last look in the mirror and walked up to the door. He unlocked it, and walked out of his office. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, so he took it out and saw five missed calls from Jace, and one text.

_Alec, are you okay?_

_Not at all,_ Alec wanted to write back, but instead he typed something else. _All good. Talk to you later._

When he stood in front of the door to his room and was just about to put his hand on the door handle, he felt his heartbeat quicken and his mouth go dry immediately. He tried to swallow the gulp that was stuck in his throat, but he was unsuccessful, so he just closed his eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked into the room.

Inside, Magnus was sitting on the window sill and staring at the distance out the window, somewhat nervously fidgeting with a piece of paper in his hand, and Alec suspected it was the note he left in the morning. Alec wondered what was on Magnus’ mind, that he didn’t even hear him walk in, but he was also grateful for the last moments of relative peace before the storm. He remembered Magnus’ words from a while ago, before they were even officially a couple.

_You’ll blow up the very ground you stand on, to make something right._

It was always so surreal to him how well Magnus knew him, from the second they met. At times, he was the only person Alec knew he could rely on, one hundred percent of the time, to understand him and save him, especially from himself. But he couldn’t do it this time.

For a moment, Alec wondered how he can possibly break Magnus’ heart without being physically sick. He thought of a way to trick Asmodeus, to tell Magnus of his deal, he tried to convince himself that they could do it, together, make it seem like they broke up, but he knew any kind of games were way too dangerous, and he wasn’t going to risk anything more, especially not Magnus never getting his powers back.

“Magnus.” Alec said quietly, startling Magnus, who turned around abruptly and jumped off the window sill to walk up to Alec, surprise clearly visible in his expression. Alec wondered if Magnus thought he was not coming back, even though he promised he would.

“Alexander.” Magnus whispered. He moved closer to the shadowhunter and cupped his face in both of his hands, bringing his lips close and locking them with Alec’s. Alec kissed Magnus back, desperately and hungrily, and the sensation gave him the chills, as he thought kissing Magnus was something he would never get to do again.

Magnus’ hands went from the sides of Alec’s head down to his neck and Alec’s skin burned underneath the touch. He savored every moment of the kiss he could, but he knew all good things had to come to an end, so he paused and broke his lips away from Magnus’, much to his surprise. Alec grabbed Magnus’ hands, gently yet firmy, and closed his eyes for a few good seconds, before daring to open them again and look at Magnus, who had a worried expression on his face and whose hands were slightly trembling in Alec’s.

“Magnus, we need to talk.” Alec said and his voice betrayed him a little at the end of this sentence.

Magnus nodded. “We do. Alexander, I’m so sorry about last night. I ruined everything, I—”

“No.” Alec interrupted him. He couldn’t take it, Magnus apologizing to him for his depression, it wasn’t fair. No one should have to apologize for their mental health and how it affects them on a day to day basis. Magnus had the absolute right to act the way he did. But Alec couldn’t tell him that, and it broke his heart. “It’s not about last night. I mean, not only about last night. It’s about… Us, in general.”

“Okay?” Magnus frowned and put his hands in his pockets, a familiar defense mechanism Alec noticed in him for the last couple of weeks at least. “I’m listening, then.”

Alec gulped. “When you asked me the other day, when Lorenzo came to take his magic back, if nothing changed in the way I feel about you, I said no. But the truth is, something did change, perhaps I just didn’t realize that at that time.”

Magnus bit his lip, as if he was readying himself for the blow. “So you lied to make me feel better? Do you do it a lot?”

“I don’t want to lie to you, Magnus.” Alec sighed. He felt this extreme coldness enveloping his heart with every word he said, and he couldn’t stop it or slow it down. He just had to do what he came here to do. Stay focused on his mission, just like he always did when he was out hunting demons. But none of his missions were ever this painful and hard. “The thing is, I think last night made me realize that… I don’t think I see a future for us together. Not anymore.”

“Please…” Magnus whispered and a single tear fell down his cheek, making Alec have to fight the urge not to wipe it off with his thumb, like he always did. “Look, Alexander, just… Just give me some time, just… I’ll be better, okay? I’ll try and— I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately but please… I lost my powers, don’t make me lose you too.”

With every second Alec felt more and more like he was actually dying, and he wanted to beg the earth to swallow him whole and erase him from existence because he absolutely couldn’t handle the look on Magnus’ face when he begged him not to leave him. He wanted to take him into his arms and hold him until there’s no ounce of pain left in his soul, he wanted to rip the entire hell to shreds to bring him back his powers, but he couldn’t, and it was a real tragedy.

“Magnus, I’m sorry,” he said in a pained voice he couldn’t contain any longer. “Last night only made it clear that I, on my own, will never be enough for you. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it’s never enough for you, because you don’t have your magic. And I can’t give it back to you, but I also can’t do anything else cause everything I do only forces us further and further apart. I just have no energy left to keep trying.”

Magnus’ gaze moved away from Alec’s and rested on his own hands, which he had clenched in fists in frustration. “So you just, woke up today and decided you didn’t want me anymore, is that it? All the things you said when you were trying to convince me to let Lorenzo take the magic back… Those were all lies?”

“No.” Alec shook his head and the sharp pain in his palm made him realize he must have been digging his nails in it for quite some time now, probably ever since he let go of Magnus’ hands, which were the last thing holding him grounded. “They weren’t lies. I meant every word, Magnus. But… I think you and I both know the person I was describing is long gone now. And I believe you will find yourself again, eventually, it might happen tomorrow, but it may also happen a hundred years from now. And I can’t just sit around and wait for you to realize that I’ve been here for you, through everything, and you made me feel useless.”

When Alec finished this sentence, Magnus’ eyes darted up and met his own gaze. Magnus’ cheeks were wet from tears, and he looked so hurt and broken that Alec had to look away.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Magnus said through tears. “I didn’t— I didn’t know. Please, let me fix it, Alexander, just—”

“You can’t fix it, Magnus. Neither of us can. It’s too late.” Alec cut him off. “I think it’ll be for the best if you stay at Catarina’s.”

“Alec…”

Hearing Magnus not use his full name was like a dagger piercing Alec’s heart. Last time he felt like this was when Magnus called him “shadowhunter”, when he went to ask him for help with sealing the rift when they were broken up.

“I… I’ll pack my stuff.” Magnus said and began gathering all his things from the bed and the drawers. Alec felt tears starting to fall down his cheeks, and he wiped them off quickly before Magnus could see them, but Magnus also refused to look at Alec anymore, and when their eyes met for a split-second, Alec honestly wanted to die. He expected Magnus to get angry with him, to lash out at him, maybe hurt him in return, but none of these things happened, which made the situation a thousand times worse. Magnus just looked extremely hurt, but not exactly surprised by what he heard, which made Alec wonder how many times in his life he heard that he was too much, that he was emotionally draining, that the people he loved could not handle being near him anymore. Alec wanted to punch something, but his face remained emotionless when Magnus walked right past him shut the door on his way out.

Then, he completely broke down. He kicked the coffee table and broke the glass standing on top of it, and he slipped onto the floor and run both his hands’ fingers through his hair, pulling on it until he felt so much pain he had to stop.

_You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there._

He couldn’t make the pain inside of him disappear if he wanted to. Tears were running down his cheeks, and he started sobbing uncontrollably. He tried to catch his breath but he couldn’t, his palms were sweaty and everything seemed to be blurry, the only thing he was aware of was this desperate need to breathe, his hands trembling, and the overwhelming fear that consumed him.

Alec lost Magnus. He broke his heart, and he lost him, for good. Making it seem like he didn’t love him anymore was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, and he didn’t know how to go on from there. He wished he could just stay at his room forever, not having to deal with the entire Institute relying on him being a leader like his whole world didn’t just fall apart, like it didn’t just burn down to the ground and he wasn’t still choking on the ashes.

He had no idea how much time passed before he stopped crying and this horrible emptiness enveloped him again, however it didn’t replace the pain, like he had wished, but instead it seemed to have found a way to coexist with it, therefore Alec felt both devoid of emotions and yet, at the same time, feeling every nerve of his body way too much, when he thought about all the things he didn’t get to say and will never get to say to Magnus again.

_I love you. I love you so much. Please, forgive me, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy._

He felt exhausted. He blinked a couple times in attempt to clear away the shakiness and the blur from his vision, but it was pointless. He put all the strength he had into walking up to the bed, and he threw himself onto it, hugged Magnus’ pillow tightly and buried his nose in it, inhaling the scent of him, the last reminder of what Alec used to have, and for a second he felt at peace, at home.

But the truth was, as painful as it was for him to admit it, that Alec could never go home again.

 


End file.
